Saturday, February 11, 2012

the hard decision

They always say to 'follow your heart', as if it were the easiest course in the world. The trouble is, your heart doesn't always favor the gently sloping hill; in fact, it usually chooses the steepest, most harrowing course you can imagine. For a while my heart has been yearning to break away from something that has held me down and back for quite some time. I've refrained because I would be letting a friend down, and I keep telling myself that I want to see it through. But... it's been three years now with no end in sight and no less than another year to hold out. Even then, there are no guarantees with this particular venture.

So my hard decision is: follow my heart, or continue following a dream that is no longer my own.

For many days I've weight the scales of this choice, what I lose, what I gain. But it always circles back to the fact that the one losing the most is my friend. What I have trouble accepting is what portion of that can be laid upon me, and the honest truth is none of it. I came in with nothing, gained little, and leave with the same. My friend has born the weight of this venture from the start, and that is where the weight remains with or without me.

But the freedom is so sweet, so enticing. A huge burden of stress, time, and what may soon grow into resentment would disappear like a morning mist burned away by the sun.

I know that I promised nothing from the beginning and gave everything I could. I know that each day I shoulder this yolk, it weighs down my heart and soul and makes me weary in ways I didn't know I could be. I know I will be less and less help as time waxes while my eyes are cast elsewhere.

I know my heart has already made the decision, and the longer I wait the more sick I will become with it. Sometimes good things must end to make way for better.

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